Shall I get the dress or the pants? Finish the fantasy trilogy or the non fiction empowerment? Stay in LA or move to Seattle? Be girly or a tough rebel?
At least in the clothing store I can buy both but otherwise? Decision making is gnarly but if you don't make them you're stuck. I like to blame it on my Gemini rising sign...
I think we need to listen to our desires and give all those wild animals a bit of the cookie of life, satisfy the good or goofy girl as much as the wild, elegant spirit. It's a question of structure and rhythm.
I am two (at least) people. Not crazy. Maybe sometimes. Mostly just two personas who learn how to dance with each other and share the time on this planet. As long as I was torn between the two or kicked one to the curb I wasn't happy. Who wouldn't be grumpy missing half of themselves? Wait, is that one of the reason why half of the US is angry? Because they've lost or never met their soul? A thought to come back to.
My fight was between the princess and the rebel and it took me many journeys to understand that I was missing something else, an alchemical ingredient that would solve the sometimes hilarious drama.
I took on 12 different personas in different countries, diving fully into successes and failures and coming back up to emotional and spiritual highs of magic and consciousness. I was a mother and a warrior, a priestess and a punk, a martyr and a goddess, a boss and a waitress, rich and poor, hilariously happy and terribly sad. My travels floated in and out of awareness but after each episode I was a tad bit higher on the spiral.
I figured out a lot of stuff.
But what did I really know? What was MY truth?
I finally gave up everything I "knew" to feel the source underneath all the journeys and battles.
All my characters, their motivations and experiences had worked together like in a theater production so that I would to see and feel my essence.
When I wasn't bitter anymore about the unfairness of life, parents who didn't get me, the men who didn't love me enough, the success I had to fight so hard for, but was grateful for the amazing stories of my life, I encountered the ingredient I had missed; self love. With this new lens I saw my beauty; the magic I had experienced in abandoned gardens as a child, the rebellion for freedom I dared to feel and act upon as a young woman, my passion for justice and equality. The rebel and the princess became a loving rebel queen who believes in the magic of her visions and mind. We can manifest a beautiful just world withing the confines of the old patriarchal paradigm.
I had to see, feel and taste a crazy bunch of experiences before I could let go of my limiting beliefs. Feisty like a terrier, I was hanging on to blame, shame and guilt. "Too old" was another sabotage of owning my essence and became the last drop on a full barrel, the fear that finally kicked my butt.
I had to see, feel, and taste this crazy bunch of experiences before I felt ready to share my discoveries as an author and to intuitively understand and assist others as a life stylist.
There’s a huge difference in having felt and just having thought about things.
With the magic invested in me through my experiences I'm fiercely finishing "From Grumpy Bitch to Happy Witch", a fun, funky memoir and dream of finally having time to continue with my really far out mystical and futuristic Trilogy "Mea Culpa".
I'm a life coach and a fiction writer, psychological and visionary, political and mystical, a dreamer and a doer; I'll always be two, and that's okay.