“I would love to blow your brains out,” he said, so stern, so ice cold that… I shut up.
I imagined the content of my skull splashed on the wall and finally stopped shouting and screaming for what I wanted from a partner unimpressed like a rubber ball you try to hit a dent into. It was in the 80’s when I didn’t understand that you can’t yell for love. You can’t demand to be seen.
My life was a fight to understand and the path to knowing was plastered with challenges. Emotionally but never physically abused by a man I punished myself plenty for being a “wild woman”, a female who fought for her right to be her true self.
I saw the content of my bag on the ground three days ago when I stumbled and literally fell on my face, my chin to be exact. My laptop (lovingly called my brain) and phone were intact. My dog was fine too, looking at me astonished, What’ are you doing on the dirty asphalt of the parking lot?
A minute later I stared at my bloody chin in the mirror at home. It burnt and my knees started to hurt. I had punched myself in the chin. What the heck?
Falling on my knees hurt pretty bad, the scarped skin mostly hurt my vanity. It began swelling, adding blue and black tones; I look like the bearded lady…
By now I know that I get “messages” when I don’t listen. I had actually asked for nice notes this time, Universe!! But no, I got kicked... like I will be kicked out of my home of 20 years by a developer forcing me to make long overdue decisions.
As I’m all about transforming mess into might I pondered about the attributes of the chin; determination, perseverance and attitudes like "stick out that chin" or "chin up!"
“The chin can be seen to indicate many things such as resolve, sternness, obstinacy, character. Your ability to take the blows of life on the chin. Also willpower, stubbornness, bullishness, bravado, determination, pride.”
Was this a call to woman up or a punishment for trying too hard? Being too determined? A slap-warning to better watch out?
Was I holding on to something too stubbornly?
The Tarot cards’ Fool said that sometimes to take big, bold, “foolish” chances is the answer.
The Magician added that it’s time again to draw strength from the realm of spirit, trust the will of the higher self and that opportunity is afoot if I take action to seize it.
The Lovers talked about sharing the treasures of our heart with another.
Over the weekend the bruise changed into the shape of a kiss.
“You are loved,” my friend Deb commented.
My fierce, chin up, ambitious self is loved?
I got into magical boho arrows and sacred geometry flowers adorned yoga pants, grabbed my ReBelle power tee and walked to my espresso two streets away.
“Rebelle with the cause of me” is the mantra on my recently designed shirt. The cause of ME…
Falling was my fault, I thought. Mea Culpa.
I have a bucket list Los Angeles, which I check off creating videos for IGTV, “What I love in LA and the outfits that get me there.” I wanted a diary of my fancies and also did not want to regret missing out on what I came here for. A not so serious side note the bottom says, “Interview Brad Wright”, and “talk to Lana Wachowski”, (client of my hair dresser!) screen writers and movie/TV making professionals I look up to in admiration. I probably wouldn’t get to that…
Chin up to the cause of ME…
I would so regret living somewhere else in the world and never having acted on a dream I worked on so many times but buried it in business ideas from being a life or style coach to opening an online store. I was guided by the need to make money rather than my initial spark; the script I gave my safe job and life up for three years ago, the one I’m just a tad afraid of because it’s so BIG.
This is about Mea Culpa, my manuscript Mea Culpa. The cause of ME is to balance an ancient betrayal in my trilogy of redemption and love.
My life had been structured by a feeling of guilt, going back to an underlying medieval story re-awakened by my parents and continued in many adventures. I had written the first draft of my screen play “Mea Culpa”, when I arrived in LA two decades ago. I had tried many times, studied screen writing, went to conferences but never finished it. The ending, the solution did not feel right. I recently discovered but why acting on it. This project would take too much time…
The chin punch just became another clue in my journey; to regain my trust of sacred timing, that my script of life is perfect as it is. The solution of Mea Culpa is the beginning of a new life, no matter if it will be a trilogy written anywhere in the world or a TV show finished and pitched in LA.
BUT - I will only get my answer when I am brave enough to put the bottom of my bucket list up to the top. Transform the Fool who was tripped by her foolishness to walk on high plateau shoes up a rough hill to the cool fool who takes a bold step.
A punch on the chin can knock you out - and into a new adventure.