I'm not ready.

Screen Shot 2018-11-01 at 12.33.59 PM.png

I was invited to a ball by Devora, a gorgeous queen somewhere around my age, eccentric, creative, slim, a former dancer with beautiful movements. I have never been to a ball, how amazing!!

I didn’t go. I wasn’t ready. I felt too fat with my 15 extra pounds, I didn’t have a facial in months and the dresses I owned weren’t expensive and theatrical enough for this arty event.

“I’m not ready.” How many times have I said it?

I made things up not to be ready. I couldn’t find my car keys or my glasses or my lip stick, I spilled coffee on the dress. The dog sitter had a flat tire or I had to turn around because I forgot my phone; now I was too late. Now I can’t go anymore…

I clung to old beliefs, judgments or an adopted mindset; I can’t finish my book because I don’t know how to pay for the team I need to publish it. I can’t sell the screenplay because everybody in LA has the same hope and I’m not pathetic.

I learned to check in; is it the party, conference or meeting I don’t really want to go to or am I am afraid? Do I love my story and feel it is worth telling? Am I still afraid not to be good enough after all these years packed with self improvement?

What is an excuse and what is intuition?

I got so much better; thanks to the mantras I jot down every day in my Ageless Rebel Planner, thanks to the ReBelle spirit I spread for myself and others with my fierce avatar at The Ageless Rebellion on Instagram I grow a little each day.

I learned to go against my fears by faking it to make it, by acting, doing, inventing tricks and sometimes jumping with my eyes closed. I’m not ready? So? I have spare keys and glasses hidden in the garden. I get ready in the car putting on make up at every red light. I tell myself empowering tales; remember how you managed this or that? Quitting the suffocating job without knowing how to create income? Starting my book without a clear message? Risky, yes. Time consuming? Of course. But I don’t want to die without knowing who I am. I don’t want to leave the planet without a trace of my truth.

I would have never discovered my power or the love I am able to give without softening the limitations I had protected my heart with if had I not jumped.

Bruises heal.

I took me longer than I through but I found my message while writing. I found my body and style while playing dress up. I am finding my tribe by going to all kinds of meetings. I still rush out of the house last minute leaving a mess of clothing thrown everywhere as I wasn’t happy how I looked. I still wished I was organized and ready all the time. In the meantime I dance; I laugh and cry when I fall over my own feet.

Facebook showed me a picture today from two years ago; sitting in a tree in a leopard jumpsuit was one of my first professional photo shoots; I posted it while judging myself as too fat. That was my first step.

1. Jumping into our fear of imperfection is empowering. The more we accept our flaws the better we get living with them and transforming them into power

2. Anger helps; saying NO to our programing of being too old or overweight, too loud or too different. Who said that we are not good enough? Who is measuring?

The more I voiced my anger the more I felt it; we can only transform what we are aware of. I took my Self back, and rediscovered my own voice. In my new found sweet, bubbly pinkness, my essence of curious joy, I allow myself to be angry here and there. We all need a little rebelliousness to change ourselves and the world around us. It always were the rebels, the Da Vincis or Einsteins who said No to the status quo who pushed the world forward.

I am afraid to finish and publish my memoir because I’m afraid you won’t like it.

3. Baby steps are always the answer, to focus on the big goal and make it happen by small steps towards it. I am looking for a new editor because the man I paid last year up front hates my women power guts. I publish little things on IG and FB posts and restarted my life style blog. Inspired by Loretta, an amazing woman who posts her life’s stories like a warriorress blogging 500 words every day I got over my “I can’t because I edit too much. I write too many words…I don’t have the time…”

My book tells stories about the power of NO. So here I am. Ready or not.

800 + words. 3 tips and the summery of my experience with “I’m never ready”

  • sometimes we’re sure; we listen to our intuition and with self love, feel good about NOT doing “it”

  • sometimes we only truly know if we are ready by doing “it.”

  • sometimes we discover what we really want by doing what we don’t really want.

  • often we get ready in the process of doing…

Angie Weihs empowerment.jpg