Follow the signs

Gatherings, meet ups, mixers, networking parties: great opportunities fly into my mail box every week. I yearn for connection. I want to meet my tribe, my team. Yes, I sign up. Thanks for the invite. When the date arrives interesting things happen each time: my dog coughs, I can't leave her alone. I need to respond to all these emails and it's too late to go. The power dress I wanted to wear has a stain!!! I am suddenly so tired, I have to sit down...

So I don't go.

Most probably it won't be great anyway and the people talk blah or are full of themselves. I will be bored. It's LA, everybody wants something, everybody has an agenda. How many times did I see eyes glaze over at Hollywood parties when I revealed that I wasn't a producer, casting agent or influential somebody behind the scenes? The worst was a book release party recently; first the writer who had personally invited me, didn't even notice the birthday present I brought her and basically ignored me. I already bought her book. I didn't have a podcast. When I walked through the dark, dingy rock'n roll space where people chatted eye in eye, sipped on their beer or stared at video screens nobody noticed me. Not one glance of acknowledgement. I was a ghost. The surreal feeling of being utterly invisible made me run back to my car. The party wasn't good? asked the valet. No. It was gruesome. I felt gruesome.

We are all burnt kids and let passed experience structure our Now. Experience follows expectations. 

I tried to convince myself halfheartedly; letting go of the past didn't help. Sent my ego to Mars wasn't quite working. The mantra of "just give" felt silly. The problem was that I wasn't ready. I didn't have anything to show, tell or give. What if people asked what I do? I'm developing things? That's lame.

I should make this time really productive instead. I'll write. I'll finish a chapter. I'll be somebody to reckon with in no time. You'll see.

I flip through my notes: When you are really passionate about something, you do it, no matter what. You don't just try - you don't run the other way when it gets uncomfortable. My notes don't lie. My notes actually slap my face. My kickass tagline is "summon your powers."

I yearn for connection. I want to meet my tribe, my team.

When I wake up 5 minutes later I am in the car. No prettying up, no endless rummaging through the wardrobe. My powers summoned me; I don't even know how I got behind the wheel. Just drive! At least I'm wearing my tiger booties.

Manhattan Beach is far and it's stress time on the 105. I make it just in time. Proudly, as I was always the one who came late to control the situation. The first person I run into into is model-gorgeous host Alicia Dunams. Damn, I should have done my doll up... She's sweet and has her arms wide open. Okay, so I don't have to look like a socialite. Nice. Maybe this is not like those other times. I had uncluttered part of my life, bye bye negative mirror people, and was practicing to be receptive for the positive stuff of life for weeks.

A couple dozen people hang out in the slick little conference room of the Shade hotel, busy talking, laughing, hugging. Nothing changes when I enter. No ripple of my presence makes them look up. God, I knew it. It's the same thing like always. I don't know anybody, I am on my own, nobody sees me.

Hey, so nice you could come!! I feel manly arms reaching out from a polished black and freshly pressed jacket pulling me onto an impressive chest: the featured author of the night came over to greet me. Chris Lee?  Swell to meet you. I read your book... (half) giving, integrity, great concepts...

Happiness is to give what you love about yourself. (from my first snap chat ever)

When he's onto the next happy attendant, I hold my breath - and there's Nadine taking his place. A sparkling girl under 30. She wants to know who I am. She could be my daughter but age has disappeared. She looks at me and sees me. Her integrity sits on her sleeves. When somebody connects with our essence, nothing else matters; it's a fearless, ageless, timeless space. When somebody sees us for who we are time does not exist, all there is is Now. Very cool, Eckhard, I got it.

Life's a lab with lots of experiments which can go right or wrong. Who cares. The important thing is to observe, be vigilant and learn.

Chris Lee involves the group with questions: what are you grateful for, what do you take for granted. I got a brain freeze. I plan to be on a TED stage next year and watch myself puzzled: I feel fear to speak up. I'm afraid of judgments. I'm too different. Ego. Control. Critique. Help. This can't be happening.

Chris looks at me. Smiles sweetly. "What are you proud of?" 

"That I brought my son through college. After he left it took me three years to get over myself but I finally quit that survival job which killed my spirit. I do what I love to do. I write. My book title says it all: from grumpy bitch to happy witch..."

There it was. It was out there. My truth of the moment.

Applause, laughter. They all seem to find this very cool. Great title, Alicia says.

They heard me. The door was open: I watched myself letting go of judgments. I let the moments of "really?" melt away when grandiose statements filled the room: I am the master of manifesting, I am the best communicator, my visions change the world... Nope, they weren't full of it. People shared what they are without pride or agenda, just bathing in their happiness and realizations. If people are mirrors I am all that?

Nadine, like me, just jumped into the unknown to follow her deepest desire. There's no chatter in my head anymore. I listen to her story completely present. I love how brave she is. Nadine takes a video of us and posts my first snap chat. My authentic happy, giggly self bursts out of my smile. I look at the picture and am so excited that this is me.

What I went away with is:

Follow the signs. When we have a deep desire and life answers with an invitation we better have our eyes open and take it. Life's a box of chocolates...

To be open is the vibe to walk with. Watch and learn, watch and let go of our bull. Constantly, instantly. When we expect people to be full of it, we are full of it: of expectations, judgments and fear. Our beliefs are our prisons; the prison is safe but the world outside is so much more exciting.

It is much more rewarding to be interested in people then hoping that people are interested in me.

Giving is an expression of self love. We do not need a finished website, business plan, books and million dollar businesses to be somebody. We don't need to give money, connections, stuff.  We are good enough. When we give what we love about ourselves we light the fire in others. In others we see a different us; doors open and the world looks different.

It's like holding a flashlight into the Quantum soup and seeing a reality that was always there and the flashlight is - our uncluttered self.

Without uncluttering our beliefs, our reality won't change.

We are living, breathing projectors of our inner movies. If you want to see a comedy rather than a drama you better make up your mind.

Nadine is my muse of May; a girl with her heart wide open. She held up the coolest mirror and invited me to see my sleeping beauty. The grumpy bitch is dead. Long live the happy witch.

What can I give to you?

I realized I was fierce

“Life: “Don’t put your feet on my table!”
Ageless Rebel: “Put your feet where they want to be.””

People sometimes thought of me as a trouble maker. My parents were upset when I turned my doll's stroller into a brick carrying truck with 5, my family was shocked when I went to college against my mother's will with 18, my friends adored me when I left Germany with 25 to seek adventures in France and Portugal. I became a tough business chick, was well of for a while and played the stock market till I was broke - and all that on high heels or cowgirl boots.

I was a fighter. Nothing came easy and I behaved like Sarah Connor without the gun. I actually loved shooting cans with my antic Spanish rifle, ah, the power of the bang, the fierceness of Anne Oakley.

Everything was about making it, proving myself, being somebody. And I totally winged it; I opened a construction company and a restaurant in Portugal without a clue what was expected of me. You learn while doing; you fake it to make it. I showed them. I might be blonde but I'm tough.

My inner warrior girl me took to what she wanted.

Unfortunately stomping your foot doesn't help if you believe that you don't really deserve the result, and what we fight for can be lost five minutes later.

"Can't you ever be normal?"

"No, dad, why don't you see how cool I am?" 

He couldn't. So I moved even further away. I put my naked feet on the floor of an art therapy college in Santa Fe and learned to cry. Life was hard, my dad was mean and I wasn't that cool after all.

In a "dance your dream" session I met the two personas who ruled me: the pretty princess on the pea and the demanding warrior. The judgment I had heard all my life was either: you're too whiny, (sensitive, girly) or too bossy, (fearless, tomboyish) both meant that I was too much. Two years into the therapy sessions I stopped crying. I decided to stick with the warrior, at least it didn't hurt that much. Wrapped in rockn roll outfits I felt like a boy.

I had said one thing loud and clear though: I want to know what life is all about.

I had to face the answers: my feet brought me to places where I was supposed to learn about my myth, my mindset and beliefs that had forged me into this hard, defensive person. I saw, I heard but please, why should I listen?

In fighting mode we're too busy to slay our enemies rather than seeing them as messengers. The F word became my buddy. I was dreaming to move to Mars with Elon Musk cause this unfair planet made me too angry; I was imprisoned in this job I hated with these people who did not see my talent but treated me like....

I totaled my car. My fault. It didn't cost me my life but a big chunk of money. All I had at the time. For three months I was on foot and rode with coworkers to the job; the bike rides on the streets of LA had scared the heck out of me. My life was halted. I sat in it. Literally. In my arm chair. For hours, feeling the despair underneath the anger. And there was that guardian angel idea I really didn't want to believe in.

If somebody watched over me my life would be nice and easy. My son had left, my dog had died and then, one of the dark nights of my soul, my dad died. Before he could learn and express unconditional love. Before I could show him all that I am.

I was alone and that emptiness was gruesome. All I had was that familiar but tiny voice that always showed up but I only paid attention to after the dramas: everything will be okay, it said, soften up, listen....

Not giving up is fierce, to walk on even if your feet hurt.

I met Rosanne an intuitive life coach in 2014. She showed me that what is hard breaks easily. She helped me melt away parts of my armor feeling life rather than intellectualizing it. I kicked and screamed and learned to accept what is: everything I liked or disliked in my life was my own creation. I was afraid of myself; it wasn’t life that was treating me badly, my thoughts and expectations did.

To be afraid and dare to live anyway, that's fierce.

To trust that life is our friend not enemy - even when shoot happens -  that's pretty breath taking.

On this planet it's not fight and aggression that will win in the end. So we hope. We don't need more Testosterone and I didn’t need to be “male” to be powerful.

I was grinding my teeth walking the streets of LA - in pink sneakers - not judging people but looking at them, thinking: "I love you." Honestly? This was so silly, so weird... but at the end of the day I was different. Life was different. Baby steps, said Rosanne, but for me this was huge.

To admit to be scared is a big deal, especially for a rebel.

I learned not to react but to respond, not to lash out but to accept unfairness, not to criticize but let people make mistakes.

Behind every human’s mask sits the wish to be loved.

To focus on people's essence rather than their exterior - that's fierce.

To respond from our heart no matter what, to let go of the “old”, that's fierce. 

Trigger Happy

She typed in her little machine and said what they always say: "I already put it in and can't remove it." Yeah, sure. One of the most disliked people in every town, the parking sergeant looks at me expecting me to burst into swear words. I prefer to look back at her in my most piercing disgusted way. I grab my computer bag, my hand bag, my keys. I finish my espresso. I leave. My mood to write was crushed. In the car driving home I got more and more furious.

My trigger: I am unfairly treated. I can't make the tiniest mistake without being punished for it? Forgive me already.

Forgive me for what?

Years ago an astrologer had told me that I must have killed a lot of people in a past life. That was a heavy hammer to swing for somebody you pay expecting help. To be afraid of your inner badness isn't exactly that. I could have gotten a second opinion but then I don't really believe in reincarnation. So I put it aside. But every image leaves an imprint on your brain and some we can't delete that easily.

I felt guilty and that wasn't new, just a reinforcement.

The first time I became aware of it was when my best friend was annoyed with me: "Don't always defend yourself, I know it wasn't your fault. Why do you think everybody wants to get you?"

Blaming and shaming from my parents of course... easy culprit to discover. But making things aware is like the writing on the wall, it is suddenly out there and real.

To give my guilt trip some mythical depth life presented me with visions: Like a movie projected over reality I saw and experienced an amazing medieval story about heretic monks and the forbidden love of a courtesan and a monk. Not only that, the people in my life took on roles acting out energies of people who lived in my ancient house in Portugal 700 years before us. I only fully understood their roles years later after the whole drama had played out. It inspired me to write the trilogy Quanundrum. Everything is at the same time. First book is Mea Culpa, it is all my fault.

Not every trigger inspires us to 800 pages but they can be amazing flashlights into our psyche and inner stories. Especially if they hit you repeatedly and in different situations it's time to watch out as little monsters can became big, fat demons.

Like when Jim Carey in Bruce Almighty drives behind a little truck overloaded with stop signs and of course passes him by furiously instead - and crashes into his death. Only to become God for a while. Pretty cool for a sign... Not that a had a wonderful time as God. He experienced how screwed up he really was instead.

Trick from the psych box: You feel an attack or anything that awakens a negative feeling, fear, anger, sadness, fight, flight... don't react. Breathe, step aside. If you have a brain freeze, the "I will have to respond to this later" always works.

Then you can look at your feelings, step into the other person's shoes and decide how or maybe not to respond.

If the same feeling is triggered more often, let it guide you to when it happened first. Knowing it's origin is important as it's often childhood traumas that haunt us forever. Who knows, you might have a time travel experience like me into some hidden stories in your DNA.

“Life is story”

Find yours. Discover your beliefs and check if they are really yours. To retrain your brain and see the trigger situations differently will be a fierce act of will. To train your brain to change its judgements and the cause/effect plot is like going to the gym. That's where mantras come in. Repetition is king by convincing your brain of a new truth.

I have to look at a scary email now, one that wants to blame me. I saw the first line... I really drag to even look at it but I will breathe and watch my feelings - and let them go. And then I might or not respond.

Our "stuff" never goes away but the way we handle it makes the difference. We are responsible for our lives; we don't have to give other people the power to ruin our day.